26 years and 2 days ago my Mom passed away. Hard to believe its been so long ago. Probably still why I don't like April Fools Day ...
25 years ago today I walked into the Heartview Foundation Rehab facility in Mandan, ND and have not used alcohol or drugs since that day. My Mom's death had much to do with that. Well, not her death really; more her life leading up to the day she died. Mom had her issues with substance abuse too. Bourbon and pain killers, often at the same time, kept things "interesting" to say the least during my formative years. I distinctly remember saying to myself that I'd never "be like her". But in reality, the fruit didn't fall far from that tree .... not far at all.
When she died, she was 50 years old and about 8 months sober. That was the longest I can remember her ever being drug and alcohol free. It was different. Although she had been through rehab a couple times before, it didn't stick. But this time she looked different, sounded different and talked different. This time it seemed it was finally going to be behind her. Then in a flash, she got sick and died.
Going through her things after she passed I found her Big Book of AA as well as other books from her days in rehab. Inspirational reading material is very common in the "treatment process". Books full of daily readings meant to keep you thinking about why it is you want to get sober and what its going to take to stay there. I knew by this time that I needed help, I just wasn't 100% sure what kind of help I needed. The passages I read in these books really affected me. The more I read them, the more I felt that this might be the answer I was looking for to "fix" my own life.
So, one year following Mom's death I found myself in the Heartview facility talking with an addiction counselor and being told that I was an addict and that if I was ready to quit using, they were there to help and show me how. At that point it was actually a relief, mostly because I was half sure they were going to tell me I was not an addict, I was just crazy. Long story shortened, they did help me sober up ... they couldn't do anything about the "crazy" part of me except to teach me how to embrace it and call it my own.
I could probably write a book on all the reasons I thought I was justified in turning to drugs and alcohol to get from one day to the next, but to be brutally honest, it would be a pretty boring book. Every addict has a tote full of rationalities to justify their indulgences and I was no different. "Mom drank; Mom shot up pain killers; Mom embarrassed me; Dad's not in my life; I'm different; I don't fit in; I'm not good enough." The reasons are never-ending and mostly irrational, but the bottom line is I was an addict with a disease; still am, although now I simply choose to treat my disease, not practice my indulgences, and live with what life has dealt me the best I can, sober and with the help of my Higher Power, my friends and my family.
It's 25 years later now. I'm still straight and sober. I don't really even think about it much anymore except when the 3rd of April rolls around. I don't miss drinking alcohol, smoking pot or eating mushrooms. I don't miss popping pills to stay up, then popping more pills to come down. I don't miss snorting, toking, slugging or huffing. I'm glad I don't use anymore. I'm still crazy from time to time ... but the only excuse I need these days is "just cuz that's me" ...
Mom, I know you weren't happy about leaving us so early in life. I also know you left those books right where you figured I'd find 'em. Thanks Mom ... I needed that. But then you always knew what I needed.
